Frozen Lake (Shoki/Kyuuki)

[Kaya]

| 75.13.11 | Mid Afternoon | Kyuuki's quarters |

She was fifteen now. She had been in the community, around Weyr and Aerie, and quietly tried to learn their social customs. So when Libby gathered the guts to ask one of the younger LifeWing Riders about being a Candidate, the answer spilled them about the floor. It had been a hesitant reply at best, and after much insistence the young Rider had asked their bird to have a look. After that they were antsy at best, and suggested she find someone with more experience to have a look at her.

Then they ran.

Or near as they could while keeping social customs in tact. Tears and two days later Libby found another Rider to ask. The result was similarly disappointing, but they hadn't said no. They had merely suggested that she gain more skill as a healer first and then perhaps in a few Turns if she were to ask again...

Libby was dissatisfied with that answer too. She needed to be a Rider, to have a LifeWing at her back to dispel all the horrid luck that followed her wherever she went. She needed that protection before it happened again. She needed this. It wasn't just a casual want. More than anything else, more than food (between encounters she barely ate, this was so important), most of all she needed this.

So she had sought out the eldest. She would prove to this woman that she had what it took, that she could learn to be a healer while being a Candidate, that they needn't worry about her dedication to other pursuits, this was the only thing she wanted. Needed.

Libby arrived at the living quarters of Kyuuki, took in a deep breath, and knocked. "I am Libby Beckle and I respectfully and urgently request your evaluation for Candidacy," she announced from behind the door. If it was persistence they required, here was the show of it. She would do anything to be a LifeWing Rider. They had only to ask it of her.

[Shoki]

Kyuuki had never been the most assertive of people. So when she was in her room and a strong knock came, she wasn’t sure what to make of it. She stopped squinting at her papers and got up, Lantern hovering over her as she moved. She had to take her time, Vallesh had insisted after her slip. So she was still working toward the door when a girl’s voice came from the other side of the door. Kyuuki was unsure what exactly was going on now, what about being a candidate was urgent? However she got to the door and opened it, looking down at the person who had arrived at her door. Her gray eyes observed the young girl for a moment before she began to speak, in her soft, and littered with nervous pauses, usual voice.

“Hello Libby. It’s, um, very nice to meet you.” She paused briefly to open the door a bit wider and stand off to the side. “Would you like, uh, to come in?” Kyuuki was a bit nervous, since she was rather aware of being something of a push over. This one was quite vocal about what she wanted, so obviously she would have to evaluate her and everything. Lantern hovered around Kyuuki only a moment longer before heading back toward the white feathery creature in the back. The Lifewing had her head tucked back in her wing, getting a little rest. Nothing that the Flame couldn’t fix. His larger ‘Mother’ could be pestered awake, he had done it before. So he landed on her back and started rubbing his face in the warm feathers, In hopes of being noticed.

“If you…um… don’t mind, could you tell me why you came to me, exactly?” Despite the fact that Kyuuki was taller than Libby, she didn’t have nearly the presence that someone of her rank usually did. Quite frankly it was better now than it had been, at least now she expressed some will of her own.

[Kaya]

They had not been wrong about saying she was old. No disrespect or anything, but in camps, little villages and salty ships, not to mention dark allies...there weren't exactly any older women. So Libby marveled at her and when invited inside, quietly nodded and stepped through the doorway. A firelizard moved about as well, and more importantly he directed her gaze to the bundle of feathers in the back. Her LifeWing then. Watching the two interact, it was almost enough to drag a smile out of her, but then the woman spoke, Kyuuki--

Right? Oh, depths and dark waters...what if I get that wrong?

"You?" Libby repeated. She shouldn't have. It made her voice sound young, uninformed. She had to be in control of this, show her best side, prove her usefulness, hide her desperateness. She cleared her throat. "As a senior Rider I was informed that your decisions are held in the highest regard. Seeing as others were-" a pause, too long? "-unavailable to properly evaluate me, I sought you out. And here I am." Libby felt her chin try to dig into her chest, too nervous for a formal nod. "I wish to be a LifeWing Rider." More than anything I wish it.

[Shoki]

Kyuuki wasn’t sure what it was about this conversation, but something was weird. She supposed she could be considered somewhat respected, and she could be considered one of the more approachable of those her age. Perhaps that was it, she was just the most amiable of her age available. She moved back toward her chair, taking a seat while observing Lantern’s progress.

“Excuse the wait. Lantern will, hm, wake her for us.” Her lips moved only slightly but Kyuuki’s expression was much more lit up. She loved her little family dearly.

I hope I didn’t hear you humming, Kyuuki. Vallesh stretched out, her long neck unfurling from her body. After a moment she pushed the flitter off of her back with her beck, making him take wing and chitter. She preened the spot he had been at with a few quick motions, while Kyuuki looked amused.

“Libby, this is Vallesh. She’ll, uh, look at you. Vallesh, this is Libby, she wants to be a candidate.” Kyuuki seemed to be resting this with the lifewing for the most part. Vallesh had better eyes then hers, and had for a while now.

Hello Libby. Let me get a good look at you, don’t be shy. Vallesh fluffed her feathers, still waking up a bit. Lantern eventually landed right back on the swan’s back, this time taking care not to ruffle the bird. She accepted this, as her little ward was being much better behaved.

[Kaya]

"Ah, hallo Vallesh," Libby repeated the name in quick time. This LifeWing, well each one, was so different. Colors, shape, mannerisms. Libby stood bolt upright when the LifeWing spoke. It tingled to have something else in her mind, or however you called it. For all she'd tried to understand the Riders, and she had picked up quite a few of the right words, she still didn't have confidence in her vocabulary beyond the basics.

"Yes'm," she answered at last and tried to stand still and not fidget so the large bird could have a look at her. She was so white...and big, and her neck was so long. She felt a tingling in her head again. Was that normal? "I, ah, see anything? Anything you want to know?"

[Shoki]

The Lifewing was waking up more and more, and inspected the girl intently, with more and more concern. She paused, listening to what was being directed at her. She gave a glance toward Kyuuki, who was merely observing, but could feel the concern. The pale woman considered something as well, but gave a small smile back to the bird. Vallesh turned her head back. Perhaps she could get a better feel, if she asked something, well relevant to what she was looking at.

Libby, I would like you to answer for me, why do you want to be a Lifewing candidate. And, as much as you would like to say, tell me exactly why, not just the answer you think I wish to hear. Would you do that for me? The white wings fluffed again, meaning that Lantern’s makeshift bed got even more comfortable around him. The Lifewing was not done inspecting, but would make the decision she thought was best. After all, she had a few hatchlings in her day, and she always looked at a person and asked if they would be good enough for one of her brood. Still, she wanted to know.

[Kaya]

As much as she adored and found safety in the large birds, the concentrated attention of the analyzing white LifeWing was enough to make Libby nervous. She was still a little jumpy for hearing voices in her mind. Maybe there were visual cues for them like when people were about to begin speaking, but she hadn't learned them yet if so.

"I, I think so," Libby said. Her nerves were getting to her. Of course she should have responded confidently, especially if she were to consider a -- careful answer. Shards. Why couldn't she do this right? It was the most important thing in the world. Those things tended to go wrong for her anyway, the important ones. "What people say is how wonderful healers are, how they like healing, and how they want to help people. That's all right for me, except I don't know much about healing, but I'm a good learner! I lived really far out in the mountains here in the north with my family-" her voice choked, "-so there were no crafts, no Halls, for me to study. It was a harsh life up there. I saw a lot of people get hurt. I want that not to happen around me," she squeaked, "around good people any more." Was that enough? Would Vallesh press for more? Did she know it was because she wanted to take care of herself? "I haven't felt more strongly about anything. I want to do this," she felt little tears welling up on the sides of her eyes. She tried to hold them back. "I need this," she whispered.

[Shoki]

The young lady’s words were uninterrupted, as all of the observers were remaining quiet. The firelizard poked his head up, looking at the increasingly distressed girl. Vallesh looked intently at Libby, but surprisingly enough it wasn’t the Lifewing that spoke next. The light, airy voice of the elderly woman instead made the next comment.

“That wasn’t the question.” The Lifewing and firelizard looked at Kyuuki, who sheepishly spoke again, must less certain. “You, um, have explained very nicely why you want to be a healer. That’s good, but…” Kyuuki hesitated again, but her constant companion filled in for her.

That was not the question. Vallesh straightened herself up, her head rising but still aimed down at the humans. She had seen what she needed to see. This would be hard to say. Libby, I’m sorry, but I can’t give you permission to be a lifewing candidate. Healing, learning, these are all things that you can have without ever standing on the sands, and they are great things to have. But not all healers are meant to have a Lifewing partner and not all Lifewing riders are true healers. Kyuuki shifted in her seat somewhat. I am sorry.

Kyuuki looked worried, unsure what to do here. Maybe there was something she could do, but she was unsure how to do it without overstepping boundaries. So quietly she got up and got some Halk, as she already had a warm pot ready, and went to offer it to Libby.

[Kaya]

A screaming buzz in her ears. It rang and she knew they were talking, they hadn't been finished, the words had stopped coming in mid-sentence. They didn't understand. What they were sentencing her to... The coldness in her heart was agonized by the hot tears that were sliding down her cheeks. "No. ...no, you don't understand," she protested. "I can be what you want! I've seen things...things no ordinary healer could ever treat. I've lost everyone," she choked, why was she sharing these vulnerabilities with them? They were her only hope now. "It's not about being a healer! I don't want your drinks!" she sobbed, pushing the drink away. "I saw my brother die, I saw my mother waste away, I saw my best friend eaten alive by blackness and pain. Healers don't treat that! Healers can't fix that! You don't understand," her hands clenched and unclenched rapidly. She didn't know what to do with the breaking feeling in her chest. Faranth knew she had felt it often enough. But every time was a new, fresh wound that cut deep and left another hideous scar lying next to the others. She had the numb and painful feeling that further protestations were not going to do much for her, and yet she stayed there anyway. These people would answer for the agony they added to her life. "You're wrong," she cried, wiping her running nose. "I traveled days and days to get here, and if you won't take me then I'll go find someone who will." None of this was helping. She was crashing into the freezing water, the ice was broken. She would drown in this. There was nothing for it. She hadn't tread carefully enough. This would be her demise. There was no saving her now.

[Shoki]

Kyuuki was crying. She couldn’t take it. It wasn’t the Halk, it was all over her, since she hadn’t any pressure to counter it when Libby pushed it away. The mug was smashed on the floor and she picked it up after a moment, still crying. She couldn’t stop. She was sixteen again. Her mom and dad were dead. And no one could see past the fact that she looked different. There was no one who could explain that just because she didn’t look like either of her parents didn’t mean that she wasn’t their child. So she ran away to be more alone, helped by an offer to a foreign Weyr…

Kyuuki tried to mumble something, but couldn’t. Not at all. She spun away and ran. She left her room and went for the lower caverns, for a hidey hole. She would hide there for the rest of the day.

Vallesh and Lantern stared. The Flame stormed out the door after a minute of processing what had happened. Vallesh remained staring for a while longer before giving a frustrated honk. There are things that no one can fix The lifewing turned and looked down at Libby. Learn this now. I’ve been working for turns trying. It had been forever, no one had even talked about her parents in so long. It didn’t matter. That situation formed her.

[Kaya]

Old women aren't supposed to cry, came the sad thought. She hadn't meant for the mug to break. She hadn't meant for any of this. They didn't deserve this. She hadn't- She just watched helplessly as the old woman fled. She knew this place, she had a firelizard, a LifeWing, to care for her. She would be fine. Better than herself, in any case. Libby had no one.

"I know it means nothing," she said to the angered swan. "But I'm sorry." She stared at her feet, head bowed, but she didn't see them through the blur of tears. "I'll go then."

Little shards of mug clattered as she shuffled out the door.

There are things that no one can fix. It meant something. To Libby it condemned her brokenness further. She was unwantable, unfixable. Time to go.

---

She found herself in the back of the kitchens, in the store room. Water glass emptied over and over. The first attempt was still spilled on the floor, but at least the glass was okay. She'd mentioned the spill to one of the woman who came to check on her. She wished someone would go to fix it. The poor woman she'd damaged didn't need any more little hassles amidst the rest of their worries.

"Libby, I finished cleaning up-" A middle aged woman announced, walking in. Still with bucket and rags in hand she saw the new puddle. She started cleaning it. Libby started crying again. She didn't deserve the help.

"I'm sorry," she muttered, curling into herself.

"It's okay," the woman said.

No. ...no, nothing is okay.