We need to talk (D'gan)

[summerrain]

(2 days after Archith's Flight)
This was the day they had originally planned. Of course, they had not counted on the Queen Rising so soon. Yuki had been worried for her dragon since the day of the Flight. Ayleneth had gotten so introverted since then. Yuki knew exactly why that was, though. Archith. No. Not Archith. Mosiliath was the source of Ayleneth's depression.

She knew a Tiger was one of the few male dragons able to resist the desire to Chase a female in Flight, even He had nearly missed out on her. Her eyes swirled with grey as she began to doubt herself. Was she not good enough? Was it just the attraction of a Gold that had caught His attention? What was it that had made Him choose to Chase her? She didn't feel any anger toward the Gold, no. It was not in a dragon's nature to show dislike toward the Queen. She was distressed at His decision. And what would His think about the decision Hers had made, to keep the child? Was that it? He didn't like Yuki's decision, and was spiting her because of it? Or had he simply forgotten her? Was she that forgetable?

Ayleneth lay in the sun on a ledge outside the main hallway of the Rider's Weyrs, the light making her multicolored hide appear to glow. It was a ledge big enough for more than one dragon, but all could sense when a female was in distress. More often than not, a female dragon in distress was best left alone.

Yuki looked out toward her dragon, her MindMate. She sighed softly. Maybe it was her own doubts getting to Ayleneth. Maybe Ayleneth's feelings were infecting her. Whatever the cause, Yuki was forced to admit to herself that she was not looking forward to this. It was just... Too much. She had only just returned. She knew he would want her to get rid of the child, but she would do everything in her power to keep it.

[Moo]

Mosiliath hesitated for a brief moment, wings catching the wind as he hovered in the air, then scorned himself a second later. There was nothing to be afraid of! It wasn’t like he was a weyrling who had gotten into trouble. With a shake of his head, he flapped his wings and continued on over to Yuki’s weyr. Truth be told, it was not as easy as he expected it would be – visiting them. Worry gnawed at his stomachs as he circled high above, the telltale glow from the Aurora catching his eye.

It wasn’t like he had done anything wrong, though. Was it not proper to Chase the Queen? Surely any other would have done the same!

Clearing his throat, D’gan crossed his arms and looked down below as they circled closer to the opening of the weyr. He was not looking forward to this visit, either, but for reasons far more complex than his Tiger’s confusion – though conversation between either of them had more or less ceased since Archith’s second Flight. Neither of them were in the best of moods, and this visit only increased the uncomfortable feeling they both were privy to – even if they would not admit it to each other.

Quietly landing near Ayleneth, Mosiliath crouched low and allowed his Rider off, while he turned his head toward the distressed Aurora.

Ayleneth… are you okay? The question felt ridiculous. There was really nothing the matter, nothing that he could see. He had done his duty to the Weyr and that was that. Nothing more to it. So why did it feel so difficult to admit to?

Taking a deep breath, D’gan knocked quietly on Yuki’s door and steeled himself for an argument. If what he had encountered with Mosiliath two days earlier was any idea of what this conversation would be like, he had a feeling neither of them would enjoy this talk. To say he was dreading it was an understatement. It was no secret to him that Yuki intended to keep the child.

He wiped his palms on the side of his riding pants and waited.

If only to himself, D’gan wished with all his heart that the Flight had never happened – that he had never encouraged Mosiliath to chase Ayleneth. But it was his fault, no one else’s, and his Tiger had made that pretty clear. Getting rid of the child seemed the only viable option, and that was what he intended to convince her of.

It had worked in the past. There was no reason to doubt he could not convince her now.

But why would Yuki even want a child, anyway? My...child? What does she really want?

[summerrain]

Yuki turned away when she felth through her connection with Ayleneth that Mosiliath approached. She waited, one hand resting on her stomach and the other across her chest to her oposite shoulder. She closed her eyes, becoming one with Ayleneth for the few moments between when Mosiliath landed and when he spoke to the Aurora. She opened her eyes, keeping the connection between them minimal.

His words hurt. He asked if she was alright? Was it not obvious that he had caused her pain? Unintentionally, probably, but he had still harmed her. She looked at him, meeting his gaze with her own swirling grey ones, then turned away. She didn't reach her mind out to his. She didn't twine her tail with his. She felt betrayed, as a woman does when she finds out that the one she's been with so long has slept with another girl. She was in emotional pain, even worse than when Hers went through the phase of nightmares about the kidnapping only a few seasons after their Impression. And she kept the connection between herself and Hers minimal. The conversation between Hers and Mosiliath's was going to be hard enough. Yuki didn't need the dragon's distress on top of that.

There was a knock on the door. Quiet, but still there. "Come in," Yuki said, just loud enough. She didn't look at the door. Her expression was just as confused as she was. What was it that made him fear a child? It was no secret that the idea of a child made him unatractive. He disliked the idea, and it was obvious to anyone who had gotten the chance to talk to him. What was it that made him so afraid?

[Moo]

Mosiliath sat up beside Ayleneth, feeling as if lying down beside her were too informal for the situation. He could see the distress in her eyes, in the position of her body, and he idly scratched the ground with his claws while he considered what to say -- it was clear she had no intention of talking.

He let out a great sigh and nervously refolded his wings. This is because I Chased the Queen, isn't it? You must know...Surely, you must know, I Chased out of respect. It would not do to ignore her. He had the capacity to spend his time with more than one dragoness. Why could she not see that? He was beginning to understand why D'gan usually erred on the side of caution with relationships -- it was for this exact reason.

But what if it wasn't because of that? It was true that it had been a while since he had visited her and Yuki, though he and his Rider had been busy lately with helping around the Weyr...His tail knotted.

Or is it something else?

D'gan entered just as quietly as he had knocked, only looking up at Yuki once he had passed through the threshold and into her weyr. She had a hand around her stomach, and the other over her shoulder, almost as if shielding the child inside from the argument that was surely about to happen. He ran a hand through his hair and took a breath, readying himself for what was to come.

He didn't want to be the bad guy in this, he really didn't. He just couldn't be a father.

"Yuki, I...I don't want to fight with you." D'gan lifted his eyes and met her confused expression, his brow wrinkling with concern. He hesitated, though the question they both knew rested on the tip of his tongue. All he had to do was ask and there would be no doubt he wanted to get rid of the child.

Mosiliath's words, however, began to buzz around in his head. And that was not good.

D'gan let his gaze linger over Yuki's eyes before lowering them to her growing abdomen. He bit his lip. "You know why I have come," he whispered, just loud enough so he could hear his words out of his bad ear. He looked up.

"But I don't know why you want to keep it. I've tried to rationalize it, understand this thought, but I just can't." He frowned slightly. "Why do you want to keep it?"

[summerrain]

He spoke first. She wasn't entirely sure if he meant those words, but she answered as if she did. "I know." Those were the words that passed her lips.

Ayleneth didn't look at him, but she did finally reach her mind out to his. The contact she'd wanted, and yet now she dispaired. Her confusion, and the other emotions, flooded across the newly-made connection. The first image, one of him. As seen from her perch. The day of the Flight, when Mosiliath and His had been fighting. Mosiliath flew up, away from the Queen, then turned. Toward her. After that came the feelings of greater confusion. She had thought he was going to come to her. She had wanted to see him more. A few of the other males had attempted to sweet-talk her into their nests, but she had refused on the grounds that Mosiliath was the only one with whom she would share a nest. Now though... Could she hold onto those words?

He really couldn't figure out why she wanted to keep it? She turned to him, fury in her tear-filled eyes. "How can you not already know?" she asked accusingly. "Because of you, I have begun to heal. I am returning to who I was all those Turns ago. How can you not remember that? You really think that I will be completely unaffected if I decided to between with this child? Are you dense enough to think that a mother is unaffected when she chooses to end a pregnancy?" She closed her eyes and turned away. "I am keeping the child, and nothing you say will change my mind. Say I do go between and choose to end the pregnancy... Would I be able to live with myself knowing that I forced an innocent life to die because it would inconvenience me? Inconvenience you?" She turned back to him, lowering her arms. "What are you afraid of? Commitment? Then feel free to walk right out! If you do, don't expect me to come running back to you if something happens! I can care for a child on my own. By the first egg, if you don't want to be involved with the child, you don't have to be!"

The sudden change in emotions startled her. Ayleneth lifted her head and looked toward Hers' room. She was in distress... That wasn't good for the life within her. But the Aurora knew that she could do little for Hers. This was not her battle. This was Yuki's fight, and hers alone. She longed to help, but she knew something none besides Hers could ever know. The nightmares had returned when Yuki had gone over the possibility of getting rid of the child. And that frightened Ayleneth. The old Yuki, subdued and frightened, was not so long gone. Maybe ending the life of the child would trigger the nightmares again. And Ayleneth dreaded those days.

[Moo]

D’gan took a step back, eyes wide and startled by her sudden display of anger. He immediately crossed his arms over his chest and attempted to listen, reminding himself, Patience, patience, listen to what she has to say.

What? How can I not already know? Shard it all, what’s this girl even talking about? It was a simple question! His jaw tightened as he attempted to keep calm and listen, not jump to conclusions. His forehead wrinkled with confusion when Yuki brought up her past, and it was all he could do to keep from rolling his eyes. This again?

“You forget I never knew you then, Yuki!” D’gan spat, unable to stomach what he was hearing. “How can you expect me to know what you’ve been through if we’ve hardly spoken about it! I know so little about you already!”

In the quiet, rational side of his brain, he told himself that what he was saying could be used against him, word for word. Yuki did not know him either. He was as much to blame as she was.

But that wasn’t the end of the conversation for him, no, not by a long shot.

“Riders lose children all the time to between, Yuki! Whether planned or not, it happens! That’s called life! It’s what happens in a Weyr!”

He threw up his hands in disgust when she committed herself to having the child. “Shaffit,” he hissed through his teeth. “It’s not even born yet, and what if I–”

Wait. She was giving him an out – it was what he had wanted all along. It was what he had rehearsed for in their own weyr, in the skies, constantly in his head, day in and day out. But he couldn’t stop talking, though his heart twisted at the opportunity that lay right in front of him. All he had to do was agree, to say yes…

“Afraid? Haha!” D’gan laughed a bit too quickly. “You, you think I’m afraid of commitment? What, you want me to walk out? Is that what you’re saying? You don’t think I could care for a child, myself?”

A sudden bolster of support from Mosiliath trickled into his mind. It wasn’t much, and had no words of wisdom to go along with it – Mosiliath was still upset with him – but the warmth of the Tiger’s thoughts traveled through the connection they both shared nevertheless. His heart twisted with uncertainty and appreciation – uncertainty for what he would say next, appreciation for the support of his dragon. D’gan took a short breath and gathered his thoughts. He let his arms drop to his sides.

His hands were shaking.

He slid them into the front pockets of his pants and glanced up at Yuki. She had her back turned, and frankly, he couldn’t blame her. He wanted to walk out, to ignore, to forget this ever happened. Though, strangely – or perhaps, not so strangely – he couldn’t help but think about one of the first conversations he had at the Weyr, atop the Weyr Heights at the edge of night. The words of the old TigerRider, R’nos, came back to him just as clearly as if they had spoken a few hours ago. He hadn’t been able to sleep then.

He wasn’t able to sleep now.

D’gan stood silent for the next few minutes, eyes lowered to the ground as he contemplated the oldtimer’s advice. He hadn’t noticed when Yuki had turned around, only that the edges of his vision were beginning to blur. He sniffed loudly and walked over to one of the walls to lean against. He didn’t want to sit, didn’t want to get comfortable here. His stomach wrung painfully.

“Yuki, I...I’m terrified,” he finally admitted. He raised his eyes to her face and clasped his hands behind his back to keep them from shaking more. “You wanted to know what it was, and that’s it. I’m…I’m completely and utterly terrified. I can’t be a father.” He shook his head, eyes wild with fear and wet from tears threatening to spill over. With an angry wipe at his eyes, he crossed his arms again.

“I, uhh…” he hesitated, rocking on the balls of his feet, searching for the right words to say. He sniffed. There was really nothing more but the truth. The taste was bitter and greasy and made him frown, but he had to continue.

“I’m afraid of not being enough. Not being a good enough father. That’s it.” But now that he had started talking, he couldn’t stop – no matter how much he hated being a burden. He wanted to keep it hidden, keep his memories to himself.

“There was just so much pressure I had to carry, such an expectation I had to live up to…it’s not that I don’t want to be a father, but I-I can’t knowingly allow the past to repeat itself. I never had a childhood, and any time I saw my father in the Weyr, it was nothing but a bitter reminder of all the things I was not. I can’t help but have high standards, can’t help but demand perfection, excellence, even at the cost of friendships.”

D’gan laughed bitterly. “I have become my father, and I can’t pass that on to this child. Look how I’ve turned out, Yuki. Look at what you have to deal with. “ He gestured to himself and shrugged. “I feel so inadequate. I’ve been avoiding this for so long, and now that it’s here…Yuki, I’m just not fit to raise a child. It’s better if we don’t have it. I would be nothing but a burden to it, and I can’t let that happen again. I know what it’s like and it’s horrible.”

[summerrain]

Yuki took a step back, a shocked expression on her face. Her expression changed to one of betrayal and hurt. When he said he wasnn't afraid, Yuki could hear something wrong in his voice. She turned and sat on her bed, feet hanging down. "Please... Don't lie to me..." Tears began to spill from her own eyes, but she made no attempt to hide them. The betrayed look didn't fade from her features.

Ayleneth entered her mind wordlessly. A thread of calm flowed over Yuki, relaxing her slightly. Thank you, she told the Aurora. The dragoness withdrew from Yuki's mind, but remained alert for any changes that happened to Hers. She had been so stressed lately... This on top of everything else was not going to do her any good. Ayleneth remained vigilant.

He spoke again, catching her by surprise. She looked over at him, then walked toward him as he continued speaking. She placed a hand gently on his cheek, meeting his gaze with her own. "If you trust yourself, there's no reason to be afraid," she said gently, her expression much softer and gentler than it had been mere minutes ago. "I know how to take care of a child. I helped out my mother when my little brother Chiara was born. Trust that we can do it, and it will all work out." She smiled through the tears. "You are not your father. I see that every time we touch. Your hand was always gentile, your touch soft and kind." She put the other hand on his upper arm. "You've been kind to me since day one. If you were truly like your father, I believe you would not have been so kind to me. If it makes you feel better, I was only planning on keeping the child until it was no longer nursing. After that, I would have no choice but to turn it over to the Creche. A rider can only raise a child for so long, even with the father present."

She smiled, eyes soft. "Besides, if you're truly that worried about it, just make sure to tell the child all it can be," she advised. "There's still time." She backed away slightly, dropping her hands back to her sides. She had thought about mentioning the dead Headwoman, but the time was all wrong. Besides, she didn't know all the details. It just wasn't right to bring up something like that. She turned away slightly, still smiling. "I choose to keep this child because it is yours. If you wish to distance yourself from me, feel free to do so..." She sounded sad as she said those words. "I can understand if the age difference is off-putting to you. If you wish to, you can distance yourself from me. I will find someone else eventually." She sighed softly. At least he wasn't yelling angrily any more. "Though... Would your father have admitted his faults as you did?" she asked suddenly.

[Moo]

He flinched when she touched his face, unable to help the reaction – he had been lost in his own thoughts. When he realized that Yuki had begun to talk again, D’gan tried his best to listen. He focused his eyes on hers as best he could, only glancing to the side to watch where she put her other hand, relaxing only slightly when she touched his arm.

She was still so young. Granted, only by about twenty or so turns, and he didn’t consider himself old…though he certainly felt wearied by her positive attitude, her woolgathering. Yuki didn’t know the man he once called father – and his own father was old enough to be her grandfather, even her great-grandfather in the right circumstances.

In this case, assumptions could not be made when a child was added to the equation. She didn’t know much of his past, therefore, she couldn’t say anything otherwise. Sure, she had attended to her brother after he was born, but looking after her brother was not the same as having her own child. He could argue that he had looked after weyrlings at Fort – but that still wouldn’t be the same thing as their own child.

There were less rules when it came to family, and he wasn’t sure he liked that at all.

D’gan shifted under her touch, his malcontent still keeping him largely uneasy – though he had to admit, it felt as if a large weight from his chest had been lifted. And as much as finally getting that all out felt nice, he still had to make it through the sinking mire before them.

“No, no, it’s not your age that has me worried…” He looked at her again, a small, faint gleam in his eyes as his gaze wandered over her face. It was time for damage control.

“I kind of like that, actually.”

But there was still that large, uncomfortable dragon in the weyr.

“I’m still not convinced about this whole…thing,” he admitted, taking a slight step back when he realized she had dropped her hands from him. “I’m still a little confused as to why you want it, or why you like me. Call it modesty if you will, I don’t care. The whole idea still makes me uncomfortable, but…”

Now or never.

D’gan took a deep breath. “I can see that I can’t change your mind. In a way, that makes me nervous. I don’t know what’s going to happen now.” He tried smiling, but it came out more ‘lost and confused’ than ‘happy and curious’. Running his hand over the back of his neck, he sighed and shook his head, wanting to avoid a verbal discussion of her last question. Too soon and not soon enough.

To say he was overwhelmed was an understatement.

“So how does Ayleneth feel about Mosiliath chasing after Archith?”

[summerrain]

Yuki smiled lovingly at her stomach, placing one hand on it. "It's hard to explain," she said after a moment. "What attracted me to you... That is rather simple. You are always kind to me. You know when to be gentile and when to be tough. You are a good teacher, and an even better friend." She laughed softly. "Why I want to keep the child, though... That is much more difficult to explain. See... I have already grown attatched to it, though I have yet to see it with my own eyes. I can feel the life growing within me, and the sensation is exhilerating." She turned to him, the smile on her face turned woeful. "We can never know the future. All we know is the past and today."

When he asked about Ayleneth, Yuki laughed. "She's just confused right now," she told D'gan. "If Mosiliath had won Archith, then she would be angry, but she is simply confused." She looked out the window toward the ledge where the two dragons were resting. "Ayleneth is, I think, still somewhat moody from the Hatching, despite how long ago it was. The knowledge that we are the ones who will end up having to tell the two Aurora Weyrlngs that they might need to go North for their dragons to develop and grow properly... That's had a hand in her conflicted feelings." She placed her hands on the carved wall, sighing softly. "She's been wondering if she's not good enough, or if he forgot about her. She really does like him... I wonder... Do her feelings for him outweigh ours?" She sighed again, softer.

((sorry my posts have been short...))

[Moo]

He watched her motions like a hawk when she moved to place her hand on her growing abdomen, but when she broke the silence with her response, D’gan felt his eyes widen with disbelief. So it was true – she really did have feelings for him.

He cleared his throat and looked up at her. “I’m glad to hear that you think so,” he admitted in a quiet, slightly hoarse voice. She was playing the friend card and he couldn’t say anything because he let that happen. He, too, invested in this friendship. And then it grew into this.

He had never been sure if she had just been playing along, if she was just tolerating him or not. He would have preferred indifference. Would have been easier to make a separation earlier on, had he known what would have come of the Flight.

Yuki’s laugh startled him out of his own thoughts, but he managed to keep himself from looking so. Now she was talking about the child. Their child. His mouth turned dry.

“I, uhh…I suppose I’ll have to take your word for that,” he nodded, giving her a slight smile. “Y’know, seeing as how…well, seeing as how men can’t have children.”

The whole conversation was awkward, jilting, at least to him. As he listened to what she was saying about the child, D’gan shifted uncomfortably in his skin. The idea of being a father went against all his prior beliefs and convictions, but hearing her say those things…well, what choice did he have in the matter? He couldn’t be spiteful for the sake of it. He knew he wasn’t that sort of man.

But that didn’t mean he had to like it.

When her smile dimmed, and she spoke about not knowing the future, he tried his best to appear nonplussed. He lived most of his life from a schedule, a plan, a course of action. Now she was telling him that wasn’t a possibility. D’gan swallowed loud and sniffed, wiping the traces of tears from his face as the beginnings of a headache pounded in his temples. All he wanted to do now was go back to his own weyr and sit and think for a while.

“I guess I’ll have to keep that in mind. It’s always been a difficult subject for me.”

But at the next change of topic, he felt his mood lift sharply in contrast. Now this was something he could talk about, something close but separate from himself. He didn’t have to worry about feelings here. Irrelevant. He was talking about Mosiliath, his best friend.

“I hope Ayleneth realizes that he meant no harm. After all, could you refuse the Weyrwoman if she wanted to see you? Same basic principle,” D’gan shrugged. “But the Aurora weyrlings...It’s not as if they couldn’t ever return to the Weyr if they needed to leave. They would both be together as well. Wouldn’t they want what’s best for their dragons?”

And then came the next question. The feelings.

Shaffit.

“Does Ayleneth’s feelings for Mosiliath outweigh our own?” He repeated her just to make sure he heard her correctly. What did she want from him? A pledge of his allegiance? Out of the question. Impossible. He could feel his heart beat faster as he couldn’t help but think, is she talking about love? That was something he could not admit to. She was a nice girl and all, and he enjoyed her company, but love…

“I don’t know.” It was as truthful an answer as he could manage right now. “Things have been so busy here, I just…I haven’t really thought about it before. All things considering…” Eyes lowered, he paused purposefully as he tried to organize his feelings into something coherent, but his mind was a mess with worry and doubt and malcontent.

He looked back to Yuki, his voice soft. “What do you feel?”