Disappointment (D'gan)

[summerrain]

78.07.22 / after dark, late

Yuki had not been sleeping easily since she had come to the realization that perhaps D'gan, her child's father, did not want to meet Yura. She slept now, but was shadowed by the pain and fright of the nights she spent with the other Holdborn children of Icy Caverns. She woke suddenly, breathing hard. She sat up and put her face in her hands.

"How pathetic..." she muttered to a now awake Ayleneth. "I thought I was finally past these nightmares... I can see now that I was wrong..."

{I am sure it is just the absence of the small one,} Ayleneth assured Hers. She had instinctively reached out to Mosiliath, his familiar mental presence comforting.

"I guess believing that there was someone besides my brother who loved me was what helped... I see now that I was being delusional..."

{Come to me, YukiMine,} Ayleneth said, reaching out with her tail.

Yuki had finally given up on having D'gan meet Yura. She had finally decided that he had only been playing along with what must've seemed to him to be the fantasies of a young girl. She had simply set herself up for it by not realizing he was serious. She slipped from the bed and curled up with her Aurora. She felt like the little girl she'd been when she first Impressed Ayleneth. When she finally found someone who didn't care about her age or her past.

{Mosiliath... Would you please send Yours this way? But make sure he is prepared... YukiMine appears... Broken by his unwillingness to meet the small one she calls Yura.} Ayleneth kept this from Hers, knowing it would only upset her. Worry filled her mind-voice, but there was also a slight formality that had not been present in over two Turns. The level of familiarity Ayleneth used when speaking to Mosiliath, who she had once viewed as hers, had decreased. Of course, she'd long since given up on the Tiger being hers alone.

"I'm going for a walk. To get some air," Yuki told Ayleneth as she stood. She left her personal Weyr and went toward the Weyrbowl. She had dressed for the weather, wrapping a blanket about her shoulders when the wind picked up. She found a large rock and sat on it, watching the stars.

{Mosiliath, if Yours does wish to meet with YukiMine, she has gone to the Weyrbowl.}

[Moo]

…send Yours this way? But make sure he is prepared... YukiMine…

Tired eyes blinked open in the weyr. He had thought he would’ve been left alone after the flight to rest, but apparently it was not meant to be. Lifting his head from his stone couch, Mosiliath’s mouth opened in a cavernous yawn. He pushed himself upright and tried to decipher the broken message. The quiet voice in his head sounded like Ayleneth. He sat still and quiet, puzzled by the snipped of a question he received, and waited for the next part. She had been sending him a message, but he was fast asleep. Or rather, had been asleep.

He didn’t have to wait long before her colorful voice flooded his head with the remainder of her query.

Mosiliath, if Yours does wish to meet with YukiMine, she has gone to the Weyrbowl.

The thought tumbled about in his head for a few minutes. He knew it was right to tell D’gan. This would fix things for both of them. It wasn’t just Yuki who was suffering under such a burden – his rider had also gotten anxious about avoiding the topic. Not that raising the child was his responsibility, however. The child could grow up in the crèche with the other children. But it still wouldn’t mend anything, and besides it all, D’gan was a Kingrider. He simply could not act this way in the Weyr if he wanted to give off a good impression. And he knew that was important to his rider.

Mosiliath reached out his consciousness to Ayleneth’s mind, a brief and short touch, just to reassure her that he had received her message. Then he turned his attentions to his rider.

D’gan…D’gan, wake up. It is time. She is in the Bowl.

It was with relative ease that he woke his rider – perhaps he hadn’t been as asleep as he originally assumed.

“Mosiliath…what's this?” yawned D’gan, stretching from his bed. He could see his dragon’s murky, purple eyes in the darkness. “I thought you'd be aslee--?”

It was Ayleneth…she asked me to tell you about Yuki. It sounds different this time. I am concerned. You should go to the Bowl.

Swinging his legs about, he pushed himself up off the bed and stumbled to pick up his clothes from the floor. “Did she say anything about…” He motioned blankly with his hand. “About…you know?”

Mosiliath shuffled his wings as he reviewed what information he knew.

I did not catch any of that. Maybe. You will not know until you go. Honestly, just get it over with. I am tired of this. Once it’s over, then you can come back to bed.

The weyr was silent.

“Okay,” D’gan rasped, clearing his throat a moment later. “Okay. You’re right. It’s gone on too long. I’m tired, too. Let me just see what she wants. I owe her that much, don’t I?”

He pulled on his pants, then boots, then shirt, and looked out of his door in the direction of the Weyrbowl. With another yawn, he pushed his hair back out of his eyes and turned back to Mosiliath.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” D’gan whispered to the tired Tiger, and received a faint flicker of color in his mind in return. Silently he slipped out of his door, feeling more asleep and dreaming than anything else. Maybe this is a dream, he mused, moving along the passages that lead to his destination. There was only one way to find out.

It was only when he arrived in the Bowl that he realized he didn’t know where exactly he would be meeting Yuki. Tucking his hands under his arms – because it was a colder at night – he stood silently and waited. Dreams had a way of moving things along, or so he hoped.

[summerrain]

((Date fixed. That's what happens when I try to do it on my own. XD ))

Yuki looked at the stars, eyes shining. It was nights like this that made her miss her family. She tightened the blanket around her. The clothes she'd slipped on were not quite enough for this chill. Her brother was bound to Impress any day now, and Ayleneth was going to Rise again soon. There were other things to worry about besides a reluctant father. It had been over a full Turn since they'd last spoken after all...

She shook her head, frustrated with herself. No matter what direction her thoughts went, they always circled back to him. Why had she not guarded her heart better? She closed her eyes and looked down toward the rock. A soft pop distracted her as the Silver-Gold flit made her appearance.

"Come here," Yuki said to Grace, who nestled into the young woman's arms. She cuddled her flit, only months old but still able to understand her every thought. Yuki looked back up at the stars.

Brother, are you seeing the same stars this night? No... You're sleeping... As I should be... But... She kept recalling the days she'd been a captive. With those memories fresh again, she could not sleep.

She heard footsteps then, but did not do anything. Anyone that close would be able to see the lone young woman with surprisingly light hair looking at the stars. And there was only one person she wanted to speak with anyway. But she had no idea what she would say to him when that chance finally came.

[Moo]

He knew within a fraction of a second who he had come across – even if he hadn’t been looking for her in the first place. That light gold hair was a dead giveaway, and though he was ashamed to admit to it now, he kept an eye out for that distinctive hair of hers to avoid her as well. It worked best in crowds and…well, not that it mattered. He wasn’t going to avoid her anymore – he had already promised Mosiliath that he wouldn’t. Not after the Flight. Still…it was going to be difficult.

He started to walk over to her, as ready as he'd ever be - but then she started talking to herself. He hesitated and froze on the spot.

Shards, what am I doing? Has something…happened to her while I was away? It hasn't been that long since we last spoke, has it?

He peered over at her from his distant spot, a motion that was completely conspicuous to anyone else who might have been watching. But he didn't care. If she was a little crazy, better to find...out...

Wait, are those wings?

When he realized she was cradling a new firelizard that he relaxed. A bit. And chastised himself for over-thinking the situation yet again. A thin, calming tendril of thought from Mosiliath flickered against his mind, and D'gan sheepishly looked down. He had, apparently, woken the Tiger again with his anxiety.

I'm sorry.
Ss'okay, Mine.

Taking a breath, he tried to calm his nerves and steeled himself for what was about to take place – the conversation that he had been avoiding forever – and continued walking toward her until he was standing about an arms-length away.

Sliding his hands in his pockets, D’gan rocked on his heels, looked over to Yuki, then up to the stars she was preoccupied with. There were a lot of them in the skies tonight, but to him they were only cold and distant points of light, nothing spectacular. Well…this was it. Better to get it over with now.

He turned at last to Yuki, avoiding looking at her face by focusing on the firelizard queen in her arms.

“I, umm…Mosiliath, he said…that I could find you here. You and I...we should talk. About everything.”

[summerrain]

Yuki turned when she heard his voice, slightly surprised. Grace poked her silver head out of the blanket, crooning at Hers in a curious tone. "It's alright," Yuki told the flit, smiling down at her.

"You are right," she told D'gan, eyes still on the Silver-Gold in her arms. "We have been needing to talk for a long time..." She looked back at the stars. "She's a Turn old now, you know," she said to him. "Our daughter... She has your eyes..." Her voice was heavy with sadness as she gently petted Grace. "You need to meet her at least once. Little Yura..." Her eyes lit up when she spoke about her child. It was obvious that she adored the tiny life form.

"I... I want her to live the way I could not..." Yuki admitted softly. "I don't want her to have to know the fear that I went through... The pain... The danger... Worrying for your own life when you're still too young to understand how crops are grown..." A single tear made its way down her cheek, but was quickly wiped away.

"I realize now that perhaps my feelings for you were... Put bluntly, pointless..." she said with a sigh. Her eyes shimmered with more tears. "This Turn you've spent avoiding me has forced me to think. Perhaps I was simply being a bit delusional... I see now that a relationship between us would not have led to anything. And Ayleneth came to the same conclusion after the last Flight. She couldn't take her eyes off Mosiliath as he chased the Rainbow. She also came to realize that nothing was to come of chasing a hopeless relationship..." She stopped, looking at him.

"You said you did not want a child... But you must meet Yura at least once. If not for you, than for her."

[Moo]

He shifted on his feet, hands still in his pockets, feeling out of sorts and uncomfortable with the whole idea of having a daughter. She has my eyes? Has it really been a Turn? Couldn’t be. That only happened… He kept the worst of his thoughts to himself, which was probably best – they involved a lot of swearing.

“I just….don’t see why I should…right now.” His answer came out stumbling and lame. “Maybe when she’s grown up a bit? I mean, if I see her now, chances are she won’t even remember me. So…what’s the point?” he shrugged. “I just think that’d be – “

No. He stopped himself from finishing his sentence. It wouldn’t solve anything. No, he had come here for a reason, and this was going to finally be resolved. Even if it wasn’t an easy truth to swallow. It was the only way to get everyone – Yuki, Mosiliath, even his own conscious – off his back once and for all. D’gan tilted his head back with a long, exasperated sigh, his hands clasped together over the crown of his hair. He kept his eyes shut. If he opened them, if he looked at her or thought of any loophole to escape from this, it would be all too easy to change his mind.

“What do you want from me, Yuki?” he groaned. “You want me to meet her? Fine. I’ll meet her. I’ll meet Yura.”

There – it was out, at last. Only took a Turn to say. Yura. The name felt strange on his tongue. His daughter’s name. He still couldn’t believe it. After all this time, the unthinkable finally happened. Shells and crackdust, he had a daughter! What would his family think? Would his father be proud?

His expression darkened at the thought. If anything, knowing the man that he always had been, he would have been upset that it hadn’t happened sooner. After all, E’ras had a son of his own, and it was never the younger brother first. Licking his lips, he re-gathered his thoughts in an attempt to flush his personal history from the forefront of his mind. There were still a few more points they needed to touch on, and this time he needed to face her.

Lowering his hands and opening his eyes, D’gan looked to Yuki. He was glad her hands were busy with her Silver-Gold queen – he didn’t want to get too close and give her the wrong idea. Clearing his throat, he continued to speak.

“Yuki…I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I assumed we would go our own ways after the Flight, like many others have done before, but I was wrong. And when you wanted something more it, I just didn’t know how to handle it. I've never been one for steady relationships. So then I go ahead and mess it all up and try to ignore the problem, ignore the fact that I had a daughter. I’ve only ever been responsible for myself and Mosiliath, and he’s always looked out for me in return. We’re a good team, a good pair. It’s always been that way. I...I don’t know how to handle anything else.”

At this point his voice lowered in volume. “I’m sorry you had to find out that way that Mosiliath chased Orikaeth. I should have told you, but I wasn't ready to see you. You're surprisingly intimidating, you know. Nothing came of the Flight, of course,” and then he said the rest in a hurry, “because he thought it would be good for me to get my mind off of…everything.” It sounded ridiculous, but sometimes the truth was ridiculous.

“But that doesn’t matter now. What matters now is that we’re here and having this conversation. Right?”

[summerrain]

Yuki sighed quietly. "You will have to watch her grow up," she said. "You will see her eventually, so why postpone the inevitable? As long as you are here, you will one day cross paths." She did not look up from the flit in her arms.

Of course. Going separate ways after a Flight was normal. "I understand that now," she admitted softly. "If it isn't too much trouble, could I ask one more thing of you?" She spoke hesitantly, not knowing what his answer would be at this point. "I am going to return to Ice Stone soon. Lanikath's most recent Clutch is due to Hatch soon, and Ayleneth wishes to see the first moments of her newest siblings." Lanikath was Ayleneth's mother after all. "I ask you to keep an eye on Yura while I am gone, only a few days at most, as long as nothing happens." She doubted he would agree to her request, seeing as he would then have to go to the crèche or wait for the children to come outside.

"Yes, though it is a long overdue conversation," she agreed, almost sadly. She was suddenly glad that she wasn't in his Wing.

[Moo]

D'gan set his jaw and tried to ignore the fact that this girl spoke with more sense than he did. Of course, he still didn't understand why he had to meet Yura so soon, while she wouldn't remember him -- His thoughts shifted in an instant. Why would I care if she remembers me? I don't care about her…do I? He tried to avoid frowning, if only because he had seemed to be doing a lot of it lately. Though he couldn't deny the truth of the possibility was…upsetting.

But before he could think about it more, he realized Yuki was asking him a question. She was quieter than normal, her voice hesitant. It sounded normal enough - she wanted to visit her old Weyr again. So what was she getting at?

"I ask you to keep an eye on Yura…"

He inhaled sharply and deep-rooted warnings went off in his head - so much so that he felt Mosiliath wake up.

D'gan…what's happening?
Yuki asked me to watch Yura. Quickly, what do I say?
…Say yes? Oh, you're fine. I'm going back to sleep.

As the Tiger's mind left his in favor of rest, D'gan realized this was another step in the process he would have to take alone. He squinted and rubbed the back of his neck. Old habits died hard. "I, umm…" he started, his nerve beginning to waver. Watch a child? How did you do that? It shouldn't be that difficult, right? And before he lost any courage he had left, he quickly added, "I'll watch her while you're gone."

You surprise me, Mine.

Mosiliath was awake again, apparently.

Eavesdropper. This doesn't feel like a good surprise, though.

He shifted uncomfortably on his feet as she spoke again. Despite all the drama he had created, he liked Yuki and he knew Mosiliath liked Ayleneth. He had never wanted to hurt either of them, and so he tried to be friendlier for her sake.

"I...I don't know what to do, though. I've never had to know."

[summerrain]

Yuki sensed his hesitation. She turned to him. "All I ask is that you keep an eye on her for me," she clarified. "The crèche will do the work. I just do not wish for her to be saddened by my absence. Of course, there are a good number of other children for her to play with..."

She stood softly, approaching him slowly. She reached a hand up, toward his face, but hesitated inches away. She stopped, her hand forming a loose fist, which then grasped the small pendant hanging at the nape of her neck. She sighed softly and turned away.

"I'm sorry... If I had just realized before..." She took a few steps away, putting distance between them. Grace settled on her right shoulder, tail resting over the woman's back. The little Queen flit nuzzled Yuki's cheek softly. Yuki reached one hand to gently rub the flit's head. She did not know what to say next. There was little if anything left to be said between them now...

[Moo]

D'gan nodded as Yuki explained what to do. "Okay…yeah," he breathed out, his voice calmer than he felt. But talking was good. Talking kept him busy. "That…that doesn't sound too difficult."

As she approached him, he could hear his heart beat faster in his ears. He stood stock-still, his eyes trained on hers, as she reached up toward his face…but then pulled her hand down and turned to the side. Confusion wrinkled his brow. He licked his lips, his voice suddenly rough.

"Yuki, I--" He stopped and cleared his throat. "I don't want you to be sorry. I should have told you from the beginning what to expect. That, or should have kept Mosiliath from chasing." No, that wasn't the right thing to say. A weight, not unlike the one he had been carrying around from when he was avoiding the situation, set heavy on his shoulders. He had made so much of a mess. Had Mosiliath never flown Ayleneth, had he never encouraged him to do so…things would be different.

But they weren't, and it would never be different.

Despite her hesitation - and his own - he took a few steps closer. Truth be told, he felt like he wasn't even in his body while he was here, like he was watching himself react to everything. Maybe he was more tired than he thought. But if this were a dream, like he had thought from the very beginning, he knew he wanted it to end right. He now stood as close to her as she had been to him. Raising his hand to her face, his thumb resting against her chin, he turned her jaw gently toward him.

Then, he spoke the truest words he knew.

"I like you, Yuki. A lot. You're a very strong, loyal girl - there's no one who knows that more than I. I know Mosiliath likes Ayleneth as well. But…we're not the right ones for you. You should have someone who can be closer with you, and I…I can't give you that. It's just not who I am. You deserve to be happy after all you've been through - after all I've put you through."

He added in a soft voice, so quiet even he had difficulty hearing with his slight deafness, "And as much as I can promise, know that I will help you with Yura."

[summerrain]

His last words hung in her ears. The words she'd so longed to hear were now icy daggers through her heart. She gently turned away again, breaking the contact of his skin on hers, so he wouldn't see her tears. How many times had she cried in front of him now...?

"I suppose... All we wanted was... To be special to someone..." Yuki managed, voice surprisingly steady. "Special, important enough that they wouldn't care..." She closed her eyes. "Is that not the wish of every woman, be them dragon, wher, or person...?" She couldn't stop the tears. The pain in her heart was just too much.

"Would... Would you be upset if I decided to take her away...?" Yuki asked suddenly. "I know I said I would return in a few days, but... Tensions have been rising between Ice Stone Weyr and Icy Caverns Hold... There is no way of knowing what's going to happen... If... If I decided to bring her with me... I'd have no reason to return..." Her voice was shaking now. She didn't want to leave him, but... It would be easier for the both of them if they didn't see each other for a while.

Ayleneth knew it as well. It was time to put some distance between the females and the older males they had bonded with. That would be kindest for them all. They would not be hurt by the inevitable.

[Moo]

Shells, did I not say the right thing? Isn't that what I needed to say?

Oh, yes, but that did not go as well as I thought it would.

What had seemed like a good idea at the time now seemed like an exceptionally bad one, and D'gan struggled to make sense of what had just happened. And as she explained her feelings to him, uncertainty held his tongue as he listened. What if he said the wrong thing again? Wave after wave of guilt washed over him, and all he could think of was: I never wanted this for her...had I just tried harder the first time, then maybe this wouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have been so afraid. Why did I let that happen? She's so young, she deserves more than this.

Sensing his Rider's distress, Mosiliath gracefully stepped in and reached his mind to Ayleneth. It would have been rude to speak directly to Yuki - but the Aurora he could talk to. It should be okay.

Please know that we both like you, and we think you two are special. We have had a very nice clutch of eggs together, and I shall never forget that. But cannot be Weyrmates. I cannot force D'gan into something he is not. But why must there be nothing between your Rider and Mine? If they were to remain friends, that would be good. Yes? Relay the message to your Rider, Ayleneth?

D'gan sent grateful thoughts toward the Tiger as the weight on his shoulders began to lift once more. He was glad that Mosiliath had stayed up, as tired as he was - he doubted he could have gotten this far without him. He returned all of his focus once more to Yuki.

"Would… Would you be upset if I decided to take her away…?"

All of a sudden, his heart leapt up into his throat. "What?!"

A rush of emotions washed over him - relief, guilt, worry, even fear. It was utterly confusing, and all he could do was blurt out the first thing that came to mind.

"No, no, Yuki - listen. Listen to me."

No? Why did he care if she took Yura? She was her daughter more than his, after all! But he couldn't help himself as he moved in front of her again and took her arms in his hands, speaking before his mind caught up. "You're not thinking straight right now. Don't take her there," he implored, an edge on his words. He eyed her firelizard cautiously for any sign of aggression, then looked back to Yuki.

"Don't do it. If tensions are how you say they are, then it won't be safe for her. The Weyr is strong here, and more than capable of tending children."

With what bravado he had left, D'gan attempted to smile - but whether or not it was a good-looking one, he wasn't sure. It didn't really matter at this point. He released Yuki's arms and lowered his hands.

"It won't be too difficult. But promise me you'll keep her here. I'll look after her, I've already told you I would. So go back to your Weyr. Enjoy yourself at the Hatching. I'll keep things safe here."

Well…this took an unexpected turn.

[summerrain]

{I understand your concern...} Ayleneth replied softly. She hadn't gone back to sleep, Yuki'a feelings keeping her awake. {However, wounds of the heart are not so easily healed.} Even so, she passed the message on to Hers.

I do appreciate the thought, but it is like you said... Broken hearts are hard to fix...

When he spoke again, his words surprised her. "I did not mean it that way," she told him quickly. "And just because Ice Stone is so far north does not mean the crèche is inept at raising children. I will not be able to return forever. I want to watch her grow. I want to be there for her... But..." She couldn't continue. She knew that there was a possibility that she would meet someone at Ice Stone when she returned. There was no denying it. Especially with what he seemed to be saying.

Find another, someone better for you.

That's what he meant. Right? Well, Yuki took it that way, regardless. "I will leave her here for now... If anything happens, I'll let you know."

[Moo]

Mosiliath, though he was in his weyr and no where near the Aurora, nodded as he received her reply. He knew it to be true, and that this situation was not easily mended. But maybe some day…

He reached out to his Rider with a weary voice. That will have to do for now, I think, Mine.

D'gan couldn't agree more. This was an exhausting conversation for such a late hour, and he was not feeling as much the young man he once was - when he could stay up late and hardly be affected by it. He nodded amicably in response to her quick reply, trying to wrap things up as much as he could. He did not trust himself with any more decisions for tonight - this had already gone way beyond what he had wanted to happen.

"Yuki…I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to sound as if the Weyr up north was inept. I just meant, if there is such unrest up there, then it'd be easier to move around and leave without a child to worry over. Right?" He ended on a question; this type of thought was foreign to him, but if he likened a child to training a Weyrling - which Yura would one day be, if there weren't ulterior plans for her future - then it wasn't too difficult to imagine scenarios for.

He nodded again in confirmation. "That'd be nice, but only if you have the time. You don't need to make a special attempt for me." Truthfully, he didn't feel he deserved any attention at all. But if something were to happen to her over there…if she was hurt, or unable to return...He just hoped nothing would happen.

He wasn't ready for the responsibility of taking over child care, and wasn't sure if he would ever be at all. But he knew he had to take small steps regardless, and watching over Yura was the best way he could do that for now. D'gan let his mind wander. He wondered if Yuki ever spoke about him to their daughter.