As the people who are interested in Linking to LifeWings have increased, the rate of unLinked LifeWings have decreased.
As the number of people interested in Linking to a LifeWing has increased the number of unLinked LifeWings has decreased.
They grow into different kinds of birds, of which only they remember the names of. There are Harpy Eagles, Hoatzins, any variation and type of bird that can be imagined.
Awkward sentence structure. "They develop into many different kinds of birds."
I see what you're trying to say as far as species name (though I tried to leave it out of RP, but I suppose we'll need it with more LifeWings now). Try rephrasing this again? Because what I think you're trying to say is 'they only know the name of their species but nothing else about its Terran origins'. Is that close?
"Nearly all species of Terran bird can be seen in LifeWings"
The individual colors and look of their adult selves develops over the time they mature.
The first sentence in this group refers to one LifeWing. I changed this sentence for clarify and continuance. "As a LifeWing matures, its unique colors and appearance will develop."
LifeWings have the ability to encourage the Healing process for an injured individual. Vibrations on certain frequencies have been proven to increase the healing rate of burns, cuts, and other wounds. A LifeWing can subconsciously tap into those frequencies, and incorporate them into a bird-song that helps Healing. Each song sounds like a normal bird-song with just a few strange tones to it. When a LifeWing sings, it is generally for the purpose of healing the injured.
Just curios how you got this? Is this how LifeWings have always worked for you? I figured with LifeWings not knowing science (or whatever...), the time I was with Orikoesh healing quite injured people he described them as having a "broken song" that needed fixing, and this was accomplished by "singing their song the way it should sound." This was a large reason why I believed LifeWings needed instruction in music arts as well as the healing arts. The two are interlinked for them.
Also, do they never sing for fun (outside of work/mating flights)? I would think they would sing for fun...
There are some harnesses that have been developed that a LifeWing can grab onto without directly grabbing onto the dragon, but in emergencies the LifeWing could grip a dragons tail or leg with its talons and travel /between/ with it.
grab onto the harness? Wouldn't they wear a harness? Also between in the final draft needs coding for i-marks and not /-marks.
The Rider's task is merely being a very good Healer. The Link with the LifeWing plants certain knowledge and skills of Healing that might otherwise be inaccessible, so a LifeWing Healer is generally very proficient at what they do. Some are better at taking care of Thread-scores, others of slash-wounds. Each person's ability differs.
"merely"? I think they have a little more influence. They need to be able to focus, offer strength of will, in addition to being a good healer. They need to know music too. Two sets of ears listening through a LifeWing's mind (I figured like how dragons can send their Riders images, LifeWings can send their Riders sounds), could find the problem faster than one. They're like the doctor's assistant, and some more. Also how does Linking equal instant healing knowledge?
Some are better at taking care of Thread-scores, others of slash-wounds.
Is not a proper sentence
The female LifeWing take to the air, but unlike dragons she will not 'blood' any beast's.
single quotes not necessary. Should be "beasts", no apostrophe.
It is up to the potential suitors to give chase
Unclear meaning. Perhaps you mean to say that it is a male LifeWing's choice whether or not to be a suitor, and is not compelled beyond denial to chase. If that's what you mean, I don't recommend taking the wording I just wrote as it's not that great.
In the course of this Flight, a LifeWing will sing a different bird-song (as they all have a range) that the suitors must answer.
Why is the word different in there? I don't understand its meaning
but it is not the only factor nor the finite deciding one
'finite deciding one' is a bit awkward
While LifeWing's and their Riders
LifeWings, no apostrophe
they often occupy a separate section to themselves.
often or always? I know the word is in there for variance, but by now I would expect to see "they occupy a separate section [optional wording -- 'of the Weyr']" period. No 'to themselves'.
The area and structure that they live within is called the 'Aerie'
Single quotes unnecessary
They possess individual quarter which are also referred to as aeries, with different capitalization similar to Weyr and weyr.
*quarters leave out the which and use commas "They possess individual quarters referred to as aeries. Different capitalization is used to indicate a single living space as opposed to the entire Aerie, similar to the way Weyr and weyr are used."
However, when they return to the Aerie, life is not vastly different than you might find anywhere else on Pern.
Strange sentence. I know what you mean but the sentence doesn't convey it well.
Every two weeks (or less if need be) the Aerie holds a conclave
You don't capitalize it the first time. Weyr's don't capitalize it when they have a meeting or a counsel meeting. I would recommend not capitalizing this word either.
of which as many LifeWings and Riders as possible are expected to attend
'of which' and 'which' are words that often mess up sentence flow. Try to avoid adding another through with "which" if you can break up the sentence or say it another way. Suggest: "Every two weeks (or less if need be) the Aerie holds a conclave. All LifeWings and their Riders are expected to attend."
Often the political dynamics of interacting with the larger Weyr will be brought up, as well any civil disagreements between Riders.
During the conclave the Aerie's relations with its partner Weyr are discussed. Complements and conflicts are brought to the attention of the Aerieleaders, who will meet later in the week with the Weyrleaders. Matters within the Aerie itself are also brought up at the conclave and any personal disputes between Riders are settled.
All LifeWings and Riders are allowed to voice their opinions concerning any matters brought up,
'concerning any matters brought up' could be removed "LifeWings and Riders are allowed to voice their opinions and to vote on Aerie matters/business/etc". Remove the word 'all' since fledgelings are not included in this group.
Excluding an emergency where a decision must be made on the fly, all choices made by the Aerie are done so democratically with votes.
All decisions made by the Aerie are made democratically by voting except during emergencies. In a crisis the Aerieleaders are obeyed without question.
'Fledglings' and 'Flappers' are required to attend barring extreme circumstances, though they are not yet allowed to vote; but must listen and begin to understand and gauge the way Aerie life works. A 'Fledgling' cannot voice an opinion, but 'Flappers' may voice an occasional input.
single quotes unnecessary I wouldn't always capitalize fledglings and flappers as we don't do that with the words weyrlings and wherlings either.
Fledglings and flappers are required to attend most conclaves but are not allowed to vote. They are expected to listen and and begin to understand the way Aerie life works. Fledglings are not permitted to speak at conclaves. Flappers may voice their input if given permission to speak.
Unlike dragons, AerieMistress/Leader
Aerieleaders instead of AerieMistress/Leader looks better
AerieMates
aeriemates. We spell it weyrmates with no caps (small w for single weyr, and mates is just a partner term needing no capitals)
It is decided between the two which main duties they will tackle, overseeing Healing or working within the political structure.
Bit of an odd structure. "The Aerieleaders will split up the workload to suit each one's preference and skills." perhaps?
There are two main components to the politically oriented tasks of Aeries
Suggest listing the two things at the end of this sentence. "The two main components to the politically oriented tasks of Aeries are discipline within the Aerie and negotiations with the Weyr."
One is in-Aerie decisions regarding offenses, “trials”
Quotes unnecessary. Reword to flow better from suggested previous sentence. "Aeries will hold trials when there is conflict between their Riders..."
At the conclave, all Riders are allowed to vote on who has committed what offense, and what the proper punishment might be.
Just seems like a lot to bring every conflict before a conclave. Is this just for major problems? You would probably want secret voting, especially in major trials. Humans are certainly not above revenge.
help regulate the Conclave,
*conclave, little c
The second is negotiations with the dragon dominated parts of the Weyr
Take out 'dragon dominated'. A Weyr is a place where dragons live. It's their home. LifeWings don't live "in a Weyr" (technically) according to this info page anyway. They live in a separate space called an Aerie.
'ranking power'
meaning? Clarify and remove the single quotes
Matters or concerns are brought up and discussed at Conclaves, then it is the leaders responsibility to bring it to the WeyrWoman and WeyrLeader.
Is it always negative stuff? Certainly someone has a positive word. Honestly. And then conclaves needs a little c again. And "the leader's" needs an apostrophe, and "Weyrwoman" and "Weyrleader" don't have caps in the middle.
This makes it harder for a Weyr to undercut them, in the sense that a very valuable commodity is not afraid to leave if the Aerie feels they are being treated unfairly.
dictionary.reference.com/browse/undercut I can't find a good definition to fit this sentence. It doesn't make sense to me and seems rather hostile in itself. Has an Aerie moved yet? If not, then why would they even have a policy for this? It comes off poorly.
While there isn't really an official term like Weyrling or Wherling
lower case w for weyrling and wherling
While there isn't really an official term like Weyrling or Wherling for peoples that have Linked with a LifeWing but are not full Riders yet (Riders say “nothing rolls of the tongue very well”) they are sometimes jokingly called Fledglings.
They're referred to as such in a previous section. I don't really like the term 'flapper' (besides sounding a bit odd at first, then it makes me think of the 1920s... er, -.0 ) And no caps on their names: fledgling
In addition to basic care classes, such as how to clean a LifeWing and identifying food sources, the Fledglings must take classes in HealingCraft, and the LifeWing must learn how to identify and accurately use its song to heal.
*Healingcraft
When the basic classes have been passed, a Fledgling is sometimes (affectionately) called a Flapper.
We have one term for weyrlings and wherlings, and I think fledgling will be the one to catch on for LifeWings. I'd cut this other word (at least in wide spread usage), honestly.
They do not receive their full rank as a Rider until the LifeWing is capable of Flight, can sing a proper song,
flying or mating flight "Flight"? this song is their "soul-song" as coined above?
and the 'Flapper' has passed appropriate levels of HealingCraft classes.
*Healingcraft And you mean advanced classes? You should say advanced classes
Because of the individual rates at which LifeWing's or Flappers can achieve this rank,
at which LifeWings can...
there is not a 'generation/class simultaneous graduation' like dragons.
awkward sentence "they do not graduate as a class like dragons do"
A Flapper is allowed to voice occasional opinions at a Conclave.
Cut. Already mentioned above
When a Flapper has been declared to be fit as a Rider, they are given the knots of the Rider, and both LifeWing and now-Rider are allowed to vote at Aerie Meetings. They are usually welcomed with small applause at the first Aerie Meeting they attend after becoming a Rider.
'given new knots' would probably sound better. Cut the word 'usually' before welcomed, and you refer to it for the first time as a "Meeting" here. Change to conclave? Why the word conclave anyway? From their subtle animosity toward the Weyr ('we'll move, undercut, take problems to the Weyrleaders') and their 'secret meetings' (that's what a conclave is defined as) you'd think they were the free mason society or something. I would think a prominent DragonRider would be at all their meetings to send minutes to the Weyrwoman. They're not as separate as Holds and Halls are. They live in the same space, use the same kitchens and dining area, and take from the same incoming supplies. They'd need more interconnections.
The smaller the breed, the smaller the LifeWing.
Perhaps better said as "LifeWings reflect the size of their related Terran species"
“A Bonding and a Linking may seem like just two different words;
DragonRiders use Impression to talk about what the event of Linking is. A "Link" is the singular existing bond between LifeWing and Rider. "Linking" is like "Impression" (in terms of event, but not in totality of experience)
Regarding the rest of the quote, and missing from this overall guide, is what happens if one half of the Link dies and the other lives.
platonic friends.”~ Unknown LifeWing Rider
Enter down a line for the ~Unknown LifeWing Rider bit
distance between a LifeWing and Rider who may differ on a view of something./quote] distance between a LifeWing and Rider who hold differing views.
and will not as quickly form friendships with them
them = dragons (insert word for clarity, as this section has four 'they's being discussed) Also-
While LifeWings come with very unique personalities like humans, they tend to think of themselves as more forward thinking than dragons, and will not as quickly form friendships with them as a DragonRider and a LifeWing Rider might.
This is all one sentence. Try and break is as the 'as a DragonRider or LifeWing Rider might' is a little fuzzy at the end
Due to the small numbers, actual traditions amongst LifeWings and Riders are sparse.
remove the word "actual"
While all Riders may attend a dragon's Hatching, of the LifeWings it is typically only the AerieMistress and AerieLeader's LifeWings who attend.
Considering how many Pernfolk come to see Hatchings, I doubt LifeWing Riders would skimp out this often. They are sharing a living space with another group. It is respectful to come to a Hatching, especially that of Queen. While I could understand them not coming to -all- the Hatchings, I imagine they would still come. Not coming is another standoffish thing you seem to have programmed into LifeWing society. I want the groups to be different, but I don't want them to hate each other. That's not the idea.
Many LifeWings and Riders choose to spend their time amongst Holds, healing the sick and wounded.
Perhaps explain this a tad? Do they go as trained LifeWings, seeking to do good? Or do they go in pairs to Holds to train a new LifeWing (journeyman-level)?
They are then told if they harbor any darkness or ill-thoughts, they are dismissed and must not resubmit themselves for Candidacy.
If the Candidate [seems to harbor/harbors/claims to harbor] any darkness or ill-thoughts, they are dismissed and not allowed to resubmit themselves for Candidacy.
Typically a Rider and LifeWing will be in the room, who will be giving one last examination of the Candidate's psychology, and whether they are appropriate to stand for the LifeWing Hatching.
If it's a tradition, it's not "typically" "A LifeWing and Rider will be in the room to give a final examination of the Candidate's psychology to ensure they are suitable to stand for the LifeWing Hatching"
Finally, I would encourage a table of contents at the top. Such as: Table of Contents I. History II. Life Cycle III. Abilities of LifeWings IV. Rider's Job in Healing V. Flights VI. Aerie Life
This makes it easier for the reader and also for me if we need to rearrange things.
Why in Faranth's name would a Weyr "4. to weaken or destroy the impact or effectiveness of; undermine." toward an Aerie? They've never done that to healers in the past and had them as weyrfolk for thousands of Turns. It's pretty much insulting to bring it up
Why in Faranth's name would a Weyr "4. to weaken or destroy the impact or effectiveness of; undermine." toward an Aerie? They've never done that to healers in the past and had them as weyrfolk for thousands of Turns. It's pretty much insulting to bring it up
I could declare some insider plot knowledge here; but I'll just say, isn't it being considered that maybe every Weyr isn't perfectly nice, and may disagree with RMW on certain stances? Plus, while I see them being pretty much accepted everywhere these days, in the initial days some people were probably cruel, or tried to have all the power, etc etc.
They [Meaner Weyrs] wouldn't want to subvert so that the LifeWings/Riders couldn't do their jobs, but they may want to subvert it so they have control.
See, I don't think they would have been at many or any of these "meaner Weyrs". The LifeWing population is still extremely small when put in perspective of all of Pern. They originated on Rainbow Mists Weyr's grounds and would likely h ave stayed there, being welcomed and given a place to live. They were left pretty much alone to figure out what they needed to do for five Turns after arriving, and maybe even then some. Kaya left the older Riders to take the new fledglings under their wing. I doubt there would be hundreds in only 55 Turns, considering we started out with 3 (2 actively RPed, 2 male, 1 female) and added 3 more several Turns later (2 females and 1 male). The first group of LifeWings were not breeding like rabbits, and still don't appear to be. So I find it possible that an entire Aerie (more than just 2 or 3 LifeWings) could only exist in one other Weyr in all this time. The other Weyrs may have LifeWings assigned to multiple Weyrs or one permenant healer. Certainly not enough to be called an Aerie, be political, or have any sort of large "rights" movement.
Considering how many Pernfolk come to see Hatchings, I doubt LifeWing Riders would skimp out this often. They are sharing a living space with another group. It is respectful to come to a Hatching, especially that of Queen. While I could understand them not coming to -all- the Hatchings, I imagine they would still come. Not coming is another standoffish thing you seem to have programmed into LifeWing society. I want the groups to be different, but I don't want them to hate each other. That's not the idea.
I/the sentence never said otherwise. Riders may go, and they would all probably be happy to go. Of -LifeWings- its just the AerieLeader's and AerieMistress's who go. It wouldn't be appropriate for every LifeWing to crowd all in there, especially for a Hatching not of their species.
Why the word conclave anyway? From their subtle animosity toward the Weyr ('we'll move, undercut, take problems to the Weyrleaders') and their 'secret meetings' (that's what a conclave is defined as) you'd think they were the free mason society or something. I would think a prominent DragonRider would be at all their meetings to send minutes to the Weyrwoman. They're not as separate as Holds and Halls are. They live in the same space, use the same kitchens and dining area, and take from the same incoming supplies. They'd need more interconnections.
I'm using the term Conclave to mean a private meeting, which is another definition of the word. Sure, I imagine a few DragonRiders could attend, I'll add that it, but ultimately its for the Aerie members.
I'll remove Flapper. Tis a silly term, yes. x3. Keeping fledgling as suggested.
Also, maybe this is just differing ideas, but haven't Weyrling and Wherling always been capitalized, in the sense it is a positon and title? Just like you usually capitalize Rider, or Healer.
I still think some LifeWings would go. Not all of them, but some. I mean, they live there. They'll at least go once, and the ones who find it exciting (some) will go again other times. It's an open outside Hatching area designed for hundreds of dragons and LOTS of people. A few LifeWings can fit.
I've seen weyrling go a couple ways but I know I'm not 100% consistent in capitalizing everything. When I was younger the idea was "Capitalize ALL the important words!" which is why we have some things we capitalize now that perhaps others don't. I looked to see if I had used that word without thinking about it during the Hatching, but I didn't. Other members here used the word in a variety of ways, sometimes capitalized, sometimes not. Whichever way it goes, it should be the same. In this post, after Moo wrote "Weyrlings" I used it as "weyrlings": rainbowmistsweyr.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=rmw&thread=439&page=1#1695
See, I don't think they would have been at many or any of these "meaner Weyrs". The LifeWing population is still extremely small when put in perspective of all of Pern. They originated on Rainbow Mists Weyr's grounds and would likely h ave stayed there, being welcomed and given a place to live. They were left pretty much alone to figure out what they needed to do for five Turns after arriving, and maybe even then some. Kaya left the older Riders to take the new fledglings under their wing. I doubt there would be hundreds in only 55 Turns, considering we started out with 3 (2 actively RPed, 2 male, 1 female) and added 3 more several Turns later (2 females and 1 male). The first group of LifeWings were not breeding like rabbits, and still don't appear to be. So I find it possible that an entire Aerie (more than just 2 or 3 LifeWings) could only exist in one other Weyr in all this time. The other Weyrs may have LifeWings assigned to multiple Weyrs or one permenant healer. Certainly not enough to be called an Aerie, be political, or have any sort of large "rights" movement.
My reasoning was birthrates are exponential. I see RMW's Aerie as probably the (substantially) largest at about 30 or so. I could see, after 55 years, there being 3 or 4 groups of 10 that would be stationed elsewhere. This also holds up under the numbers you offered of three a year. In fact, its even less than that.
While they wouldn't purposely pick one of the grouchier Weyrs, they might end up at one and kind of be all "Woops, not what we expected. Please be nice or we'll leave. Not gonna be nice? Kay, bye."
I guess I could see them trying to set up some larger groups rather than just spreading them out evenly apart from RMW. And those numbers are not 3 a year. We got 3 at the end of the war and then 4 or 5 Turns later we got 3 more. The DeathWing Hive expedition was a while after the War, wasn't it? ....memory. >>
But I get that there'd be some, but still not anywhere near like what dragons have as far as population, and not enough members to form strong Aeries at more than a few Weyrs. I guess it's possible that some strong willed leaders from both sides at some Weyr had an argument and the Aerie left, but it leaves an amount of hostility directed toward the general and everyone that it leaves me unsettled.
That sounds a lot better when it's put that way. I read this as a Weyrleader and though I love LifeWings and their emerging culture - and I know members may select a favorite - I don't want it to be part of the information that one is (in a word) better. I want them to be interesting, varied options to role play that add spice an dynamic.
Putting it the way you did above reads best. It comes off well and shows a good intent.
Yeah, it does seem to be approximately an inversely related rate (much like at ISW). Perhaps then the sentence could be re-reworded to make it flow while making "people interested in LifeWings" X and "unLinked LifeWings" Y. See, the whole sentence is defining a rate, but isn't a reference to that rate. So if a 'number' goes up and a 'rate' goes down, it doesn't quite sound right. A number going up and another number going down pair together well because they're defining a rate.
